That’s why I don’t want to go, he said.
I won’t have this if I leave, I know things will change, I just want to stay here.
My response? Me too.
Me too friend, I want to stay.
* * *
For as many times as I’ve written and wished myself into another year, another place, another stage in life, right now I want to stay.
When I take myself to the December 2 of 2014 things were different. They were emerging and growing and something beautiful was unfolding before my eyes. Everything and everyone around me seemed to be becoming-becoming something great, something I’m a part of.
And now I’m here. And it all is. It is great, it is beautiful. Life. Is. Beautiful.
fists so tight I can feel my nails on my palms…
But logic compels me to look at the change and revolving door of the past year and realize that on December 2 of 2016 things probably won’t look the same as they do right now. And I want to say no.
I don’t want the train to keep moving, I don’t want there to be another stop just yet. I know I will eventually, but for now I want to feel the rumble of the tracks beneath me for a little longer just as I have for the last few hundred mile days.
“open your hands”
“who is that?”
“it’s me,” whispers grace.
I think I want to hold tight, I want to keep and stay. But someone wants to hold my hands, someone wants them open.
And so I do, and when grace interlocks its fingers with mine it strips away the entitlement to hold on…it reminds me I didn’t deserve any of this in the first place.
It’s true, because when I take inventory of the steps that I walk, the doors that are unlocked to my hands, the people that surround me, the love that I experience, the provision that I walk in-no great feat or work I have ever done or could hope to do merits any of it. If I were to accomplish my greatest dreams and give all that I have the world it wouldn’t be enough to equate the value of one day spent alive.
In that realization is where the fear of loosening my grasp of what is shifts to undeniable gratitude.
Gratefulness for grace. For things not deserved. This grace that we have it gives before its known and it loves before its loved. It’s radical in nature because if you don’t even know what grace is you are still benefiting from it through every good (and perfect) gift in your life (that comes from above).
I’ve got to stop strangling grace with my lack of trust and tight fists and realize if when I pray, “Jesus take this from me” and I believe it- I too have to believe that He will put into my hands exactly what I need.