Not in a hype romantic way, or in an “I’m so crushed” right now way. But after a while you stop worrying about making plans, because if you have your person then you know it’ll all pan out in the end. But at T-minus 2 days to V-day and newly single, my heart is still catching up with my brain, and that’s looking a little messier than I had hoped.
I’m realizing I’m as clumsy with life as I am with my feet, and that’s okay.
I’d be lying if I told you in the past 48 I haven’t sent texts I’d immediately (and still) regret-or that I don’t have letters piling up on my desk because while they are full of words from edge to edge they’ll never actually make it to the mailbox. I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t spent an embarrassing number of hours drowning in a feelsy mix of Jhene and Kehlani or yelling to ANTI in the streets this week (thanks Rihanna, timing on point). I’d be lying if I said, I always handle myself with grace, but I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t try to.
If you’re looking for a #girlpower post, this isn’t the place (although if you want someone to go see How to Be Single with, Fat Amy is calling my name). This isn’t a “your guy is coming” post, or a “being single is beautiful” (although you are) post either.
But if you’re in that culture proclaimed land of in between, that place where you smile at the engagement posts on Facebook, even though it hurts you a little. That place where seeing “bring a date” on the RSVP makes part of you want to climb back into bed, this post is for you.
I would be lying to you if I told you I was doing incredible, but I’d also be lying to you if I said I was doing terrible. And you should probably stop telling yourself that lie too, because you’re probably doing great. You’re probably killing the game at work, and those shoes you just spent too much money on? Great call. You’re probably loving people through your pain like a champion, and you’re probably one of the most gracious people out there. You’re probably crying less every day. You probably deserve a break and you probably will power through without one like the rock star you are. You probably do things that scare you every day (this makes you brave). You probably give out compliments people are thinking about you, but are too scared to say-And I know you’re more beautiful than you think, I know that true.
So here it is, whoever you are, give yourself a break. It’s okay not to be okay right now. And as much as you hate to hear it, this time right now, this moment right now, it’s not just a time to be survived it’s a time to be alive.
This time is a time to run as far as you can, to have an adventure while you’re there, and to come back realizing you can’t distract your heart from healing…but that you can still have fun with one that’s broken.
This time is a time for LOTS of ice cream, and a friend who makes you go to the gym consistently-because honestly, it’ll make you feel like you can adult like a boss.
This time is for friends who say “I’m taking you out Friday, wear something that makes you feel like the hottest girl on the block” and to be a friend who says, “It’s my turn to take care of you.”
This time is for being real about not being okay, because turns out when you start a conversation like that, the other person immediately drops the pretend walls they had up about being okay too.
This time is for loving yourself because Justin and Jesus both said it, but Jesus told us to “love others as yourself” because He knew when we loved ourselves well our hearts would be way more capable at loving everyone else well too.
This time is for staying busy, staying patient, staying determined, staying passionate, staying hopeful, staying willing to grow, and staying brave-because we actually need all those things no matter what time it is.
I’m not sure about how you feel about Jesus, but maybe this year the place some of us need to be on the 14 is in a church somewhere remembering what real love feels like. This time right now for me, is learning how to be real with Jesus. And I’ll spare you the Jesus made me a reservation line… but Valentine’s Day is on a Sunday this year, and maybe He did that on purpose.